Alcohol
by BoardingBensidy
Summary: Alcoholism: an addiction to the consumption of alcoholic liquor or the mental illness and compulsive behavior resulting from alcohol dependency.
1. Chapter 1

Olivia sat on the couch with a full bottle of wine in her hand. She knew she was headed down a bad path but she couldn't help it. There was so much stress weighing on her and no matter what she tried she was always on edge. She just wanted a break. She needed to escape. Tears were streaming down her face as she thought of her mother. She finally realized that it wasn't her mother's fault.

"Liv?" Brian gently entered the apartment and shut the door behind him, tossing his coat to the empty chair and joining Olivia on the couch. He worried when he saw her crying.

"I don't want to drink it," Olivia said as she looked up at him, "but it's taking everything I have right now not to open this bottle."

Brian stayed quiet but reached over and took the bottle from her hands, carrying it into the kitchen and pouring it down the sink. He tossed the empty glass into the trash before joining Olivia on the couch again. He was blaming himself. If he hadn't agreed to work IA then he would be at home more and he would have noticed a long time ago how much she had been depending on alcohol. "I should have saw this coming..." he whispered, "this is my fault. I'm at work all the time and you're always here alone."

"Bri, no. Stop. It's nobody's fault but my own." She swatted at her tears but it was no use, they kept falling.

"I'm going to help you," Brian promised, "we can do it together."

Olivia ran a hand through her hair and sighed as more tears cascaded down her cheeks. "I'm just so tired," she sobbed.

Brian pulled her into him and closed rubbed her back soothingly. He knew this moment would arrive. She couldn't catch a break. Everything Lewis had done to her, Munch leaving, Cragen leaving, she was now the boss of the whole precinct, it was too much.

"I'm not right for this position," she blubbered into his shirt, "I'm a mess."

"You are the _best_ person for this position, Liv. I know it's hard now but Cragen wouldn't have given it to you if he didn't think you could do it. You can do anything, Olivia."

They sat quiet for awhile without moving. Olivia missed Brian being at home but he was home now and that's what mattered. She kept her arms wrapped tight around him, afraid of letting him go. He was the only thing holding her up. She was thinking about the best way to tell him the other news.

"There's something else..." Olivia whispered, interrupting the quiet.

"You can tell me."

"When you came in... I was crying because... because I'm pregnant." Tears welled in her eyes again. She had found out just thirty minutes before Brian had arrived and that's why she grabbed the bottle. A baby on top of everything else that was going on in her life, it wouldn't be fair to the infant.

"Honey, that's great news." A smile spread across Brian's face before he planted a gentle kiss against Olivia's forehead.

Olivia just shook her head, "what if I hurt the baby because of my drinking? I wouldn't be able to live with myself. I've wanted a child my whole life and what if I messed up my last chance?"

Brian situated himself so he was sitting, facing Olivia. He reached out and cupped her face with his hand, offering her his best smile. "You can't think like that. Our baby is going to be perfect. We can call around and make an appointment tomorrow just to get proof."

Olivia sniffed. "I love you."

"I love you too," he responded, "and I promise that you are going to get through this. WE are going to get through this." He gave her another kiss before reaching his hand out and pulling her off the couch, leading her into their bedroom where the cuddled close together under the covers. Olivia rested her head on his chest and he had his arm wrapped around her, playing with her hair.

"I went to visit my mom's grave today," Olivia admitted, she hadn't done that in awhile. "I don't know what I was expecting by going... I just thought maybe going would help me the desire to drink go away."

"Did it?"

Olivia shook her head. "No."

"Liv, no matter what you decide to do I am going to be right by your side supporting you one hundred percent. If you want to step down then I'll be right next to you. If visiting your mother everyday will help you then I will be right by your side holding your hand. I know you, Liv, and I know you're worried I'm going to leave you. I'm not. Nothing is going to scare me away. We're having a baby together. You're stuck with me forever now."

Olivia let out laugh through her tears and it was the first real laugh Brian had heard from her in a long while. "That's the laugh that I love to hear."

"So, you'll go the doctor's appointment with me tomorrow?"

Brian smiled, "absolutely. I'll even get up early and make us breakfast."

"I don't know what I'd do without you," Olivia admitted softly.

"Me either," he said jokingly before giving her another kiss and then closing his eyes. "Goodnight, love."

"Goodnight."

Brian continued to pay with her hair until he knew that Olivia was asleep. He knew that life ahead was going to be tough for the both of them but he wasn't giving up and he wasn't going to let her give up either. He was going to give her the happy ending she deserved no matter what it took.

**Yay? Nay? Terrible? **


	2. Chapter 2

**HOW ABOUT THAT PROMO? HOLY SHITE THERE.**

Olivia sat in the waiting room with her nerves going haywire. She could feel her heart thudding and it didn't go unnoticed by Brian. He reached over and grabbed her hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze. "You're shaking."

"I'm nervous," Olivia admitted in a hushed whisper. Several thoughts were running through her mind about the damage she could have done to the baby by drinking. She had been drinking that much she had been drinking more than usual and no amount of alcohol during a pregnancy was a good thing. She ran her free hand shakily through her hair and sighed.

Brian rubbed his thumb over her hand in hopes of getting her to calm down. There wasn't much he could do to soothe her at this point; not until she visited with her doctor.

"Ms. Benson?" Ashlee Martin had been working as an OBG/YN for a little over thirty years now and she loved her job more than anything. With her short blonde curls and her short stature, she had to look up when talking to Olivia. "So you're just here for your first ultrasound, correct?"

"Yeah," Olivia nodded as she followed Dr. Martin to a private room in a long hallway.

"Alright well if you want to lay up here and lift your shirt up we can get started." Olivia looked to Brian and he gave her a nod letting her know that everything was going to be fine. She nervously lied down on the table and lifted her shirt up to just under her breasts, flinching when the cool green gel came in contact with her tan skin. Dr. Martin then took the wand and placed it on Olivia's stomach, moving back and forth and trying to find the very small picture that would indicate a baby. She seemed to be studying the monitor intently and Olivia was growing more nervous by the second.

"There," Dr. Martin said with a wide smile as she pointed to a tiny white dot in the screen of black. "That's your baby. Congratulations. Everything appears to be looking great so far."

Olivia felt a huge weight lift off of her shoulders and tears instantly flooded her eyes. She looked to Brian to see that he too was fighting back tears. She reached for his hand and brought it to her lips to kiss it, "we're going to have a baby."

After leaving the doctor's office Brian was going to take Olivia out to lunch to celebrate but he ended up getting called in at work and was told he was going undercover. He didn't know how long he would be gone. Olivia told him that she understood and that everything was fine. Now here she was, sitting all alone on the couch with stress just making its way through her veins. She hated being alone, especially at night. When she was alone the thoughts from her attack came back to haunt her and that meant having nightmares with no one there to console her when she woke up. She sighed and turned the volume on the television up, hoping to drown out the thoughts. Without thinking Olivia moved her hand to her stomach and rested it there, smiling at the sheer joy of having a child grow inside of her.

"You're going to be spoiled rotten," Olivia whispered, "I hope you know that." The bad thoughts seemed to swim away after that and Olivia managed to fall asleep easily. Sleep didn't last long though when after an hour she woke up in tears. It wasn't a nightmare but it was a dream about her mother. It was a dream of a talk that she had had with her mother during one of the few times she had been sober. The talk was about Olivia having a child and Serena had told her that one day it would happen and that when it did, she would be by Olivia's side supporting her through it all. Olivia didn't believe that then but somehow she felt like Serena was right.

While Olivia was reminiscing good times with her mom, Brian was at a bar across town, ordering his fifth drink of the night. Finding out that Olivia was having problems depending on alcohol, his job, and now finding out that he was going to have a baby was only adding more stress to his plate. Olivia wasn't even recovered yet. She still had nightmares and nights were she couldn't sleep and she was still on antidepressants. He knew that stress wasn't good on a pregnancy and he just didn't know if now was a good time for it to be happening. He couldn't tell Olivia that though because the look on her face after she saw the ultrasound... it was priceless.

"G'me another one," he mumbled to the bartender who just shook his head. "Sorry. I know your girlfriend and I'm not serving you anymore. I called you a cab. Go home."

Brian sighed and looked down at the empty glasses in front of him. He couldn't go home. He had lied to Olivia but it was better than staying there and ruining her good mood. He was happy about the pregnancy, truly, but he just wanted things to be less stressful and the stress level was only rising.

"Thanks," Brian said as he laid a twenty down on the counter and got up to leave. He was headed back to the apartment, hoping that Olivia was asleep so that they wouldn't get into an argument.

He waved the cab off outside and decided to walk the several blocks home. Maybe that time would sober him a little and it would give him more time to think.

Brian was one block away from home when his cell started ringing. He reached into his jacket pocket and pulled it out without looking at the caller I.D. "Cassidy."

"Bri?"

It was Olivia and she sounded like she was scared. "What's wrong?" He heard her sniffle so he quickened his pace, needing to get home and comfort her.

"Nothing," she whispered through her tears, "it's silly. I'm sorry I called."

"Wait!" he said stopping her from hanging up, "the case was actually easier than we thought and I'm on my home right now. I'll be there in ten minutes tops. Okay?"

"Yeah," she said and then his line went dead. He started walking even faster, almost sprinting to get to Olivia. He needed to make sure that she was okay.

"I'm here," he said slightly out of breath as he entered the apartment, "what's wrong?" He made his way over to where Olivia was sitting on the couch and sat down next to her. "Nothing's wrong... I just... nothing. It's silly."

"It's not silly," Brian assured her as he reached to wipe her tears, "please tell me."

Olivia took in a deep breath before slowly letting it out, "I just miss my mom," she mumbled, feeling foolish as the words escaped her mouth.

Brian was stunned. He thought Olivia was going to say that she had experienced another nightmare or something of that nature and the only problem was that she missed her mom? "Liv, I don't know what to say to that."

Olivia sighed. "Forget it," she said standing off the couch, "I told you it was silly."

"That's not what I meant," Brian said hurriedly as he followed her into their bedroom, "I didn't mean anything bad by it. I just, I never know what to say when it comes to your mom." He watched as she crawled under the covers and got situated into her favorite sleeping position with one arm under her pillow and one on top. "Sometimes you really miss her and then sometimes you're really angry with her. I wasn't trying to be a jerk. Seriously."

"I just wish she was here," Olivia whispered, "maybe she would be proud of me." Brian kept quiet as he crawled into the bed next to her and pulled her into his chest. "She would like you. You're a tough guy but not too tough," Olivia smiled as she looked up at him. "You're almost perfect."

"Not quite," Brian said, "but I have the perfect woman lying in bed with me right and I get to a baby with that woman so my life is turning out pretty perfect."

"You really think we're cut out to be parents?" It was something Olivia had thought a lot about. She had wanted a child for so long, someone to love her unconditionally and call her Mommy, someone to always be there but, she questioned herself on whether she could raise someone. She knew nothing about being a mother.

"I think," Brian began, "that we are going to make mistakes and most likely raise a class clown but, I'm okay with that."

Olivia smiled before crashing her lips against hers. She didn't think she could be more in love and more happy than she was in that moment. "I love you," she said quietly, "even though you lied and went out drinking."

Brian groaned, he could never get anything passed her. "Sorry..."

"I would have understood," she said, "but let's not talk about it. I'm not mad." Olivia closed her eyes and the room grew silent except for the sound of Brian's heart beating in her ear, lulling her to sleep. Somehow in that moment, Brian knew that everything would work out how it was supposed to and that he and Olivia both were just going to have to deal with the stress one day at a time.


	3. Chapter 3

It had been a long and tiring day for Olivia at work and she was thankful to finally be at home. She dropped her pile of paperwork onto the coffee table and plopped down on the couch letting out an exaggerated breath. Just thinking about her day brought tears to her eyes. First, there had been great tension between Amanda and Nick and she kept having to break them up, causing them to get angry with her. Then, there was a case involving a two little kids who were left alone to fend for themselves and Olivia wished she could have brought them home with her. To top all of that off she came home to an empty apartment because Brian was at work. She wanted a drink right now more than anything.

Olivia got up and made her way into the kitchen where she opened the liquor cabinet and pulled out a bottle. She sat it on the counter and just stared at it, fighting everything inside of her to pour it down the drain. If she could just get rid of the wine then she wouldn't even have to think about it. She popped the cork out of the bottle and walked to the sink where she started pouring but then stopped. She just wanted to drink a little, a little bit couldn't harm the baby, right? Except she knew better. She tipped the bottle all the way over and watched as the poison snaked its way down the drain. When it was finally empty Olivia realized that she was crying. She didn't understand why this was so hard on her. She hated that she was fighting an inner battle with herself. She let out a small sob before tossing the glass into the trashcan, letting it shatter into several pieces.

Back in the living room Olivia opened her binder of papers from work and busied herself on filling them out. Maybe that would take her mind off of everything. She was able to get a few pages in when her cell phone began ringing and the caller I.D let her know that it was Brian. "Hey," she answered.

"Hey," he said back, "if you haven't had dinner yet I was going to stop somewhere on my way home. Anything sound good?"

"Uh, I don't really care. Whatever you want is fine."

"Something wrong?"

"No, Brian, I just don't care what we have for dinner. Anything is fine."

"Okay... I'll be home soon."

"Bye." Olivia hung up the phone without another word. She knew she was being difficult and standoffish but she just wish someone could understand how she was feeling right now. It seemed like everyday was another battle and there was so much piled on her plate. How much more was she suppose to take? Having a baby was supposed to be the best thing but now she was doubting it... how could she take care of a baby when she couldn't even take care of herself at this point?

Olivia sighed and threw the binder to the floor, covering her face with her hands. She was so tired. Why did Cragen think she was ready for this position?

"I got pizza," Brian said carefully as he made his way inside.

That was enough to cause Olivia to burst into tears. Brian noticed and quickly sat the pizza down in the chair and made his way over to her. "Liv, what's the matter?"

"Pizza gives me heartburn," she cried as she leaned her head against his shoulder.

"I can make you something else. Pasta? Chicken?"

Olivia just shook her head. "Maybe we aren't ready for this." She looked up at Brian with her tear filled eyes and he saw nothing but sadness.

She took the words right out of his mouth and he was left without anything to say. Brian sat down next to her and a hand through his hair, thinking of anything to say that would make her feel better. "Maybe we aren't," he whispered, "but we have eight months to get there." He moved his hand to her back and rubbed it soothingly. "I'm just scared... what if I mess up? What if I wasn't meant to be a mom?"

"Olivia, trust me, you were put on this earth to be a mother. I see how you interact with kids and it's in your DNA. Children love you. Those two kids today, Nick said you stayed by their side the whole time and you even bought them lunch from McDonald's."

Olivia looked up at him surprised. He and Nick weren't exactly friends so she wondered why they had talked.

"You talked to Nick?"

Brian nodded, not wanting to start an argument of any sorts. "He just advised me that I should take off work early because you had a pretty hard day, that's all."

Olivia took a deep breath and then nodded, folding her hands in her lap. "I think this is the right thing," she admitted quietly, "I think that I waited longer so I'll be even more appreciative and I think having a baby will help us. Bri, I love you and I've been incredibly difficult to deal with lately and I'm just sorry."

"It's okay," he said, "I understand." Then he leaned over and planted a gentle kiss onto her lips, capturing the taste. He felt as if that kiss could take away all of her pain. Even if Olivia didn't believe in God, he did, and he was sure that her being pregnant was a sign. It was a sign that after all of the darkness they had been through they would come out into the light and experience incredible joy.

When they pulled away to breathe, Olivia smiled a genuine smile and it was one that Brian had dearly missed. She reached her hand up and cupped his cheek, "I missed this."

"Missed what?" Brian asked with a smirk.

"You," she said with her smile growing even bigger, "we haven't exactly been romantic with each other since that night..."

"Well," Brian said as he began to straddle her, "we have tonight." Brian ran his hands over her hips and under her shirt causing her to shiver at the touch.

"What about the pizza?"

"Right now, my girlfriend needs me more than that pizza."

Olivia chuckled before another kiss came crashing down on her lips.

In that moment, Olivia realized that she didn't have to be the only one eating off of the plate anymore. She had Brian and in rough times she sometimes forgot but, he always seemed to remind her. Thinking of him and the new life growing inside of her made it very easy to forget about the alcohol. If only she could keep telling herself that...


End file.
